Relationships: Can Toxic Shame Make Someone Feel Unattractive?

While someone can look attractive, it doesn’t mean they feel attractive or that their self-image matches up with how they look. In this case, the impression that they have on others doesn’t match up with what is taking place within them.

However, this is not to say that whether one is attractive or not depends on what they look like. This is because how someone behaves will also play a part; it will be the defining factor for some people.

Yet, regardless of how they look or how they behave, they can still have the outlook that they are not attractive. It then won’t matter what they have got going on for them, as it is not going to effect how they see themselves.

Another Experience

There are then going to be other people who see themselves as desirable; with this being an outlook that is backed up by others. This may due to how they look and/or it might be because of how they behave.

One is then going to believe that they have the ability to attract others into their life, and it will have a positive influence on their mental and emotional wellbeing. And although they have this outlook, it doesn’t mean they will come across as arrogant.

Integrated

When one is comfortable with themselves, they are not going to feel the need to act as though they are superior to others. It is likely to be another part of who they are and not something that defines them.

If they have this outlook, it is likely to mean that they have developed other parts of themselves. Therefore, one part of them is not out of balance and consuming their whole life.

Obsessed

However, just because one is seen as desirable and acts as though they are only too aware of this, it doesn’t mean this is how they see themselves at a deeper level. One’s obsession with how they look could be a way for them to avoid how they really feel.

This is going to mean that one is out of balance, and they may believe that their value is based around their level of desirability. Although they are focused on being attractive, it is also going to be influenced by their need to be accepted by others.

Acceptance

As people are often told that they shouldn’t look for acceptance from others, it can create the impression that they don’t need it. Yet, even though one doesn’t need to be accepted by everyone they meet, it doesn’t mean they don’t need to be accepted.

Human beings are interdependent, and this means that they need to be accepted by others, among others things. But if one’s need to be accepted has taken over their life, it is going to show that they need to look at what is taking place within them.

Needs

When one is seen as being desirable by others, it is going to allow them to fulfil certain needs. On one side, this is going to have a positive effect on their self-esteem, and on the other, it is going to give them a greater chance of attracting the kind of person that they want to be with.

Their self-esteem will increase because other people are giving them positive feedback, and this shows that they accept them. And as they are likely to have wider range of people to choose from, there is more chance of them finding their ideal match.

A Powerful Force

It is clear to see why someone would have the desire to be desirable. If two people wanted to increase their level of desirability, they could end up dong completely different things.

One person may work on their character and the other could end up getting some kind of cosmetic surgery. The more common approach is likely to be for someone to work on their appearance, and this is partly due to how focused the world is on what is taking place externally.

Appearances

It is a lot easier for one to get a new hair style, a new wardrobe and/or to change their physical appearance than it is for them to take a look at what is taking place within them. And because of how the mainstream society trains people to focus on the external world, they might not even think about going within.

After changing how they look and getting the kind of feedback they desire, they might find that they no longer feel undesirable. Yet, although their change in appearance and/or their behaviour has had a positive effect on how people respond to them, they may still feel the same as they did before.

It Starts From Within

One may hear that they need to feel attractive on the inside in order for them to be attractive on the outside. But if one doesn’t feel good on the inside, this may be the last thing on their mind.

In fact, if one was to get in touch with how they feel, they may end up feeling extremely unattractive. They may feel as though they are worthless and begin to wonder why anyone would want to be with them.

Toxic Shame

This is likely to be a sign that one is carrying toxic shame within them and this is going to mean they are disconnected from their true-self. It is not going to be possible for one to feel as though they are valuable human being; they will feel as though there is something inherently wrong with them.

As a result of what is taking place within them, it won’t matter what they look like or what they do to make themselves more attractive. For as long as they believe their being is flawed, it is not going to be possible for them to feel desirable.

How Did This Happen?

There is a reason why they are out of touch with their true-self and their inherent worth; the toxic shame within them is not something they were born with. And while what has taken place during their adult years may have played a part, it is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood that has had the biggest influence.

This is would have been a time where one was neglected and/or they may have experienced some kind of abuse. During these early years, one wouldn’t have had the ability to question what was happening.

Awareness

One way for one to let of the toxic shame that has built up within them is to get in touch with how they feel and to tolerate the charge until it begins to discharge. In order to do this, one may need the assistance of a therapist.

They will give one the support they need to face how they feel and the positive regard that they need to realise their inherent worth. This may also be a time where one has to grieve their unmet childhood needs.